Love?

I sit on the church's highest windowsill, my head hung low. The rain was coming down hard, my leather jacket as heavy as my heart, weighed down by many emotions and turmoil. The sky was rumbling with the wrath and power that belonged to thunder. Down below, people were like ants scurrying to escape the downpour. The grey stone buildings of the town, while strong and ancient, made for a gloomy sight. They were like thin fingers all trying to reach the sky. Love...I know it's real...or do I? So many people of this world have such a mundane opinion of love...so many people think that something as beautiful as love can be easily attained, easily acquired.

 I realize that. Love...it's such a mysterious thing. When you think you have found it, it surprises you and slips out of  your hands. It can be puddy in your hands one moment and then slip through them like sand the next. Love can give you the most joy you've ever had all at once...and it can give you a level of pain that you've never experienced before. The more exposed you are to love and its happiness, the bigger its sting when it leaves you. Love...there are times when I want it so bad, it hurts just to think about it. Sometimes it hurts to think about loving someone else...it hurts to fantasize - and memorize - about holding someone that you care about in your arms. Yes, when I fantasize about love and its affects...it puts me in such a happy state. Though I know the pain will come later, I do it anyway. I imagine the delicate fingers of my love etching electrifying circles into my skin. Long after they have left my skin, their static charge still lingers. Her scent still hangs around me, just like her touch. I close my eyes, taking in as much of her scent as I can, and once I am done, I leave myself ravenous for more. The hunger tears me apart like a raging lion, eager to hunt for his next meal.

  I sometimes imagine sliding my hands across her smooth curves, treating her like the temple that she was - and still is. I...I break myself of my trance, knowing that if I continued any further, the pain would be too much if i continued. Though I have broken the trance, she is still in my head, and I'm unable to get her out. So I focus on something real, something imbedded in my memory - her smooth hands. The warmth they bring when i hold them in mine...how soft and delicate they are...it makes me smile when I think about it. Love...its also a wondrous thing. When I'm with her, I have so many things I want to say to her...so many things I want to do with her...but don't have the courage to do half of them. And now...now I will be away from her. I once believed that I could turn off my affection for her like a light switch, but now...I realize that it as easy as I thought - especially when she keeps coming back to me, walking straight into my heart with the key that she always had. Love...I have tried so hard...only to have made crash and burns.

    And here I go once more. I'm either an idiot or courageous. I wish I could see into the future...I wish I could see if I am destined to find love, or destined to live a life in solitude; a life devoid of light and love, a life in which I am unable to share the joy, sorrow, pain, and laughs that life offers with someone close to my heart. If it was that, then I'd still like to know - at least then I'd know that seeking love would be a futile act, and I'd be able to save myself the pain that comes with love. But...there's always hope that I will share the joys and sorrows of life with someone. I always keep the hope that one day I'll find my love...and because of this, I will always be setting myself up for pain, because love is also full of pain. But...nothing in life is free. In order to gain something, you must sacrifice something as well.

   When it comes to love, the amount you have to sacrifice is high. But, if you truly believe that love is worth it, then you'll make the sacrifice. I don't know...maybe love is a lost caused...maybe its just the thing that's only found in romance books and movies, maybe love...just isn't meant for me. I won't know 'til I try though. She's still in my head...she still hasn't left my heart. She gave me a chance when I needed, so...maybe I should do the same; not to return something as asinine as a favor, but because in my heart I believe that she's worth it, because when I'm with her, I want to wrap her in arms and hold her tight. In the far distance, there was a break in the clouds. It was small, and shown bright with glorious, sun-kissed light. Hope. The break was like a small and feeble church mouse compared to the angry maelstrom of dark, swirling clouds around it. Despite all that, I clung to it. They say that the beat of a butterfly's wings can cause a hurricane. Maybe...just maybe...if I cling on to that butterfly, if I believe in it, then maybe its wings can make a hurricane. One strong enough to blow away this dreary place.